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Drez

Blackcoin Cartel Goods and Services

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*It’s late in the evening, and you awake to see your Gnomish Television Device left on. It was that time of the night…. The time for the informercials…..The Goblin waddled slowly before the image screen, smoothing out his wrinkled clothes as he approached a chintzy desk with a number of items on it.*

Yo, it’s me, ya’ boy Baron Vito Flops. I’m here today to show youse all of the goods and services offered by me and my boys here at Flops Holdings L.L.C., and the Blackcoin Cartel. We gots just the right thing for everyone! If you need someone whacked, I’m your guy! If you want someone whacked healed up, I’m also your guy. Welcome to our program today on the Goblin News Network!

The first service we offer here at Flops Holdings L.L.C., is actually what helped to get our business off of the ground! LIFE INSURANCE! We have a number of capable healers and policies that will be able to help care for you or your family after death! The packages are as follows:
     - The Bronze Package: Ten silver a month. Following your timely, or untimely death, we will pay your family TEN GOLD. ** Terms and conditions may apply***
     - The Silver Package: Fifty silver a month. Following your timely, or untimely death, we will pay your family TWENTY GOLD, and provide them groceries and protection for six months following your death! **Terms and conditions may apply**
     - The Gold Package: Two gold a month. If you get whacked and your mooks bring me your body, our healers will work on BRINGING YOU BACK FROM THE DEAD! *Note: Your mooks need to bring the body, not your goons. Jabronies bringing the body will result in contract nullification* **Terms and conditions may apply**

 

To sign up for one of these policies, please see our establishment in King’s Bay.

 

Next up, let’s just say you owed old Vito Flops some coin. Let’s say you were then involved in some terrible Trike accident when your brake lines were accidentally cut by a pair of tin-snips that you just so happened to drive over when your trike was parked. Let’s say you broke your knees in the process. Well, do we have the deal for you! One of Flops Holding L.L.C’s most prolific and effective business is the FLOPS MEDICAL AND DENTAL CLINIC! We have a flexible fee-for-service policy which will help the sick, injured, and beat-up get back on their feet! (*Note: Flops LLC does not promise the ability to get you back on your feet if you had lost them, they had fallen off from some STD from a Gnomeregan Leper Concubine, or if you had lost them, then found them, then realized it was a traumatic Shredder accident.)
The fee schedule is as follows:
    - Overnight stay: 10s/day
    - Bleeding control: 2s/potion used
    - Dental exam: 10s/day
    - Plastic/Elective Surgery: 5g/procedure
    - Minor Illness Treatment: 10s/day
    *The list continues for another five minutes*

 

Now, you might say to me, wow Vito some people have some really nice teeth from visiting your Clinic. I’d say no shit, that’s what they paid us for. But if you say you want them to get some “Surprise Dentistry” because they called your mother a cock-guzzling Kezan whore, then we have just the company for you. The BLACKCOIN CARTEL MERCENARY COMPANY AND PERSONAL OFFENSE (BCMCAPO) has capabilities to whack, reinforce, sabotage, or even make some people disappear. Note, the MERCENARY COMPANY can be bought to be used in war zones, however the opposing side will be informed of their arrival and allowed to propose a counter-offer.
    - Five bruisers: 50s/day
    - Ten bruisers: 85s/day
    - Debt Collection: 3 gold/job
    - Military Reinforcement: Fee as above for bruisers, but with a 5g security deposit per plan.
    - Shredder Airdrop!: One of our newest policies. We will drop five bruisers trained to operate FESLA Shredders will be airdropped from a FOOTS Zeppelin into a combat zone of your choosing.            25g/airdrop
    - Assassination: Price is on a case by case basis.
    - Asset Protection: Three bruisers follow you for a week and protect you from harm; 1.5g/week

 

One of the most important aspects of any trade/producing industry is the ability to transport your goods to market. However, those goods that are in surplus for the King’s Bay market are transported (via our newest asset) to goblin or human markets elsewhere. It is important for us to not only transport our own goods, but also goods and people to and from King’s Bay. As such, we have purchased a 300 Kodo-Power, High-Speed, Low-Drag Zeppelin of the Sprinter class of airships. This airship is powered by Captain P.J. Phillips. Captain Phillips has piloted airships for the majority of his life, and has taken over the reigns from our Zeppelin’s previous pilot. Look at him! He’s the Captain now! The Zeppelin (and Zeppelin tower) allow us to transport less cargo than conventional ships, however we can travel faster and through harsher weather conditions than conventional means. This makes us the fastest importer/exporter in all of King’s Bay! F.O.O.T.S will be expanding rapidly in the near future as we add more vessels to our fleet of carrier Zeppelins!
Fees for delivery service of goods and men are preformed on a case by case basis.
Zeppelin Bombing Run: We will neutrally bomb your enemies. *Price package varies*

So let’s say you’re an alcoholic who enjoys hitting your wife and children. Great! We got just the product for you! Recently, Flops Holdings L.L.C has acquired THALMORE DISTILLERIES! In the few months of our ownership, we have assisted CEO Edward Thalmore expand his empire by building three more rum distilleries around Azeroth! The rum is locally sourced from sustainable and unsustainable resources! So, if you’re looking for rum to flow through your court, or looking for fuel for something to take you to court for assault and battery, our rum is the product for you!
     - Bottle of rum: 10s/bottle
     - Cask of rum: 50s/bottle
     - Thalmore Special Dark Rum: 50s/bottle

 

Next, we have the Pleasure Palace—— What do you mean we can’t talk about that here? FINE! Next up, we have the most recent addition to our holdings. FESLA! This is the tech-arm of our cartel, and is being lead by former Area 52/B.O.O.M Chief Engineer Elon Muskrat. FESLA produces some of Azeroth’s finest RP-GG’s, Shredders, and even THE BIG MOMMA! We are also developing electric powered Trikes, Hot Rods, and Shredders.
     - RP-GG: 25s/per
     - Shredder: 7g/per
     - The Big Momma: This is an RP-GG scaled up 100x and aimed towards your enemies. 100g/per launch
     - Goblin Dragon Gun: 10s/per
     - Crude Oil: 3.75s/gallon
     - Electric Trike: Coming Soon
     - Electric Hot Rod: Coming Soon
     - Electric Shredder: Coming Soon
     - Landmine: 5s/per
     - Rifle: 5s/per
     - Nonlethal Inerter Projector: This metal crossbow bolt is attached to a Hot Rod battery by a long cable. Use this at short range to render your enemies unconscious 50s/per
So as you all can see, we offer significant services for a reasonable price! Inquire in King’s Bay!

*Vito then begins to pick earwax from his overly-sized ear, not knowing that the camera is still rolling.*

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Donator

In lieu of a conversation with Marquis Jean-Philippe de Montarville (@RomanJ.Denning,Esq) , Trade Baron Vito Flops is now offering the above services to the Alliance for 20% off. Conversely. He is also offering a discount to the Horde in Arathi Highlands for 10% off. Limited time offer.

 

-D

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